Dan Simon Twin Cities Mediation

Jewish couples going through a divorce are gradually making a new and most welcome discovery - divorce mediation. They often find significant advantages in going through this caring and humane process to help resolve the disputes surrounding their divorces.

In addition to facing the customary issues in a divorce - parenting agreements, child support, spousal maintenance and division of assets - Jewish couples may face the added situation of sustaining their level of involvement in the Jewish community. They may feel uncomfortable remaining at the same synagogue, staying on as board members of a Jewish organization, even sending their children to a Jewish school.

Mediation can help in all these areas. It can assist couples to work on their differences and help them remain connected to the Jewish community in a way that feels comfortable. This can be especially important in a close-knit Jewish community such as that of the Twin Cities, where there can still be stigma attached to divorce.

Jewish Family and Children's Service of Minneapolis (JFCS), along with divorce mediator Dan Simon, have joined together to provide divorce mediation services to help people go through this painful period in as helpful, non-threatening a way as possible.

"People often don't think of divorce mediation as a Jewish issue," said Judy Halper, JFCS Counseling Director. "But it is one aspect of continuity that has been seriously overlooked. When people divorce, frequently they feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in the Jewish settings they once felt a part of. Through divorce, they may feel their position within the community is altered or lost and as a result, they may discontinue their involvement.

"Often times thier children also become withdrawn or alienated from the Jewish community. That is one way the Jewish community suffers along with the loss a family experiences. In this way, how a divorce is facilitated translates to issues of continuity and how to keep Jews involved in the Jewish community."

ADVANTAGES OF MEDIATION

Traditionally, couples have gone through the court system for divorce. This can turn out to be contentious, expensive, drawn-out and difficult emotionally on both people. It does not necessarily empower the people involved and can put control in the court's hands. Important decisions about you and your children's lives are made by others.

Couples meet with a skilled, impartial mediator to work on their issues as amicably as possible. They focus on the present and the future, not the past. The parties are encouraged to speak their mind freely and to agree only on what they feel comfortable with and can live by. They are helping forge their own agreement, one that works for both of them, not letting others do so. The vast majority of the time, they, not the courts, know best how to meet their needs.

"One problem with the traditional legal system," said Simon, "is that it often results in one or both parties feeling that the result was unfair. Because mediation gives everyone the opportunity to participate in and give the final OK to all terms of the agreement, people leave feeling committed to the agreement."

If all this sounds idealistic, couples who may have difficulty opening up and problem solving may be surprised to discover how successfully mediation can improve communication and help form lasting agreements.

This benefits not only the couple but also the children, softening the impact of the divorce. "Studies show that the most damaging aspect of divorce for kids is the level of conflict between the parents," said Simon. "Mediation saves kids the trauma of being fought over. And because mediation helps parents improve their working relationship, kids are less likely to be subjected to the parents' anger at each other."

For the Jewish community this can be of utmost importance. Jews have a vital stake in creating meaningful expressions of Jewish identity in which all Jews can participate and ultimately transmit to the next generation. Divorce can present a major barrier to this process.

"Mediation can help couples and their children maintain strong bonds to the Jewish community," said Halper. Most mediations can be completed in only a handful of sessions. The final agreement can be taken to a lawyer to complete the legal process.

Mediation is not only for couples who have decided to divorce. It also can benefit couples who want a separation or wish to deal with post-decree issues. In some situations, however, mediation may not be appropriate. If individuals cannot assert their needs or don't feel free to speak up without undue fear of consequences, mediation may be unsuitable.

People who have participated in divorce mediation have found the process, and Simon, in particular, a revelation. "Dan is a swami," said one mediation client. "He helped diffuse and angry situation. We left with a much more satisfying result than a court could have provided."

Divorce mediation services through JFCS are available at two locations: JFCS, 13100 Wayzata Blvd., Suite 400, Minnetonka; or Dan Simon, Twin Cities Mediation, 1716 W. Lake St., Minneapolis.

A flexible fee scale based on family size and income is available. For more information call JFCS Intake Coordinator Jenelle Slobof, 952-542-4861, or Dan Simon, 612-824-8988.

-JEWISH FAMILY AND CHILDREN'S SERVICE

(from "American Jewish World" December 7, 2001, p. 16)